Exposed
by falcon-121
Summary: When every dark secret that JJ has held close to the vest begins to unravel, will the team be able to save her? *SEQUEL TO "SECRETS"* *DISCLAIMER* I do not own CM or HG, and I do not have a beta.
1. Thoughts 1

**AN: Think it is about time to bring my long writing hiatus to an end. This is the beginning of the long awaited sequel to "Secrets." I'm a bit scared to start this for a few reasons. First off, it has been a while since I've written anything and I'm afraid of being rusty. Secondly, "Secrets" was my most popular fic, so it is going to be hard to live up to that. Finally, it has been a while since I've even thought about this fic, so some things that I have had planned have kind of escaped my memory. Nonetheless, I owe this to all of my wonderful readers, so I will try to make this as good as I can. I don't know how much I'll be able to write (I have a job now along with some other things that keep me pretty busy in real life), but I will try to update as frequently as possible. I'll start off right where I left off, with JJ driving away from our favorite crime-fighting team. *DISCLAIMER* I do not own Criminal Minds or Higher Ground. Finally, without further ado, the first chapter of "Exposed."**

"_Hi, I'm Shelby Merrick," I keep saying to myself as I silently drive through the downpour. The name leaves a bad taste in my mouth. It's like that metallic sort of taste that you get when your gums bleed. Needless to say, I hate it. But I'll get over it. I have to accept it. Shelby is who I was. She is who I am. I tried to escape her for years, hell, decades, but in the end she was always right there. Even when I wore the mask that was Jennifer Jareau, Shelby was the voice in the back of my head. She pointed out the inevitable failure that waited for me around every bend of my life. She reminded me of everything I had lost: my innocence, my self-respect, and most importantly, the ability to love. I thought I had regained all of it through the disguise I called JJ, but at the end of the day, it was just that. Just a disguise, nothing more. Lies crumble with time, and the people that hide behind them are discovered. It's just time for the next disaster to barge into my life._

_Mountains loom in the distance. Thank God! At least I'm not lost. My body aches from driving and it is nearly eleven o'clock, but I refuse to stop at a hotel. Despite everything that has happened, or maybe because of it, I don't like the idea of spending the night completely alone. So I keep my foot on the accelerator, leaving the past in the dust only to return to older memories._

**AN: Please, please, please review! I usually try not to beg, but I really need to know what everyone thinks about this chapter. Keep it or scrap it? Thanks! **


	2. Chapter 1

**AN: So, this chapter will continue where I left off with the rest of the team. Thanks to those who read/reviewed "Thoughts #1" (which will sort of serve as the prologue for this story). Ironically, the quote that I am using to start off this story was featured in an episode of Higher Ground (so were the two that I used in "Secrets," though I never planned it that way). As always, I own neither show, no matter how much fun it is to use their characters! **

"_Tell me who admires you and loves you, and I will tell you who you are." ~C.A. Sainte-Beuve_

Hotch slammed the brick wall of the police department with an open palm. He had known something was wrong. It was obvious, but he didn't do anything about it. Sure, he wasn't the only one that knew, but he was the boss. Ultimately, the responsibility was his.

"Did you want me to grab Rossi and Prentiss," Sullivan asked.

Hotch sighed. "No, thank you. I want them to keep focusing on the interrogation. She's gone. There is nothing that they can do about that right this second."

Morgan sat down on the sidewalk, completely dumb-founded. "Why would she run? That just isn't like her."

"I don't know," Hotch replied. "Something seemed wrong from the start, but I didn't think that she would take off."

"Hotch, Morgan, come look at this," Reid called from the other SUV, waving a piece of paper in the air.

Looking up at the incoming clouds, Frost finally spoke up. "Let's take that inside, Doc. It looks like it's about to storm."

Once inside, Reid explained his finding to the group.

"I found this on the windshield of your car, Hotch," he started. "It's a poem. I think JJ left it there for us."

"What does it say," Morgan asked.

"_Goblins and ghouls do not frighten me_

_Any more than a sting from a bee._

_It is the ghosts in my head that force me to flee_

_They steal away all of my glee._"

"Not a very good poet," Frost quipped. Sullivan delivered a swift elbow to his ribs. "Ow! I mean, sorry."

"Does that mean anything to you," Reid asked, looking to Hotch for the answer.

"Ghosts in her head. Could be memories, something from her past. Nightmares."

"Don't we all have nightmares," Sullivan asked, thinking about how gruesome their job could be.

"Yes, we do. But this is different. It isn't job-related. She wouldn't have run if it was."

"So if we figure out what it is, then we can track her down," Morgan suggested.

"I hope."

"What can we do to help," Sullivan asked.

"Continue to work the case," Hotch said. "The more we can get on Barringer, the better. He seems to know more about what's bothering JJ than any of us, so we'll need to work that angle, too. Morgan, call Garcia. We'll need her to be digging up anything she can on Shelby Merrick."

"On it," Morgan said, pulling out his cell phone.

"What's going on," asked a voice from behind the group. They all spun around to see both Prentiss and Rossi.

"JJ made a break for it," Morgan said.

"What the – How did this happen," Rossi asked. The shock in his eyes said it all.

Hotch shrugged. "We're trying to find that out. How are things coming along with Scott?"

"We got nowhere," Rossi said. "He lawyered up."

"Try to keep the Shelby angle going with him."

"How," Prentiss asked. "We don't even know who she is. We don't know a thing about her."

"Try to get him to talk about her," Hotch explained. "Get all of the information about her that you can. She's clearly a large part of whatever is bothering JJ."

"Yes sir," Prentiss said before following Rossi back to interrogation.

Hotch slumped into a chair and furrowed his brow. He had always been able to figure out what was wrong with JJ in the past. Why was this time different? And why did she feel that escape was a better option than talking it out? He still wasn't sure what was going on, but he had a bad feeling about it.

**AN: Lots of dialogue in this chapter. Maybe too much, but I'm trying to get this progressing along. Any thoughts/reviews would be greatly appreciated!**


	3. Thoughts 2

**AN: Time for another session inside JJ's head. Or is it Shelby's head now? Even I have trouble keeping track sometimes. Anyway, I wanted to write this note to remind my CM pals who have not seen HG to feel free to ask any questions as this fic moves forward. I would suggest watching HG on Youtube, but I do understand that not everyone has the time to watch 22 hour-long episodes. If you are interested, though, search for MsAJCook. The account page has all of the episodes in very good quality (along with a smorgasbord of other A.J. material). Thanks to everyone who has read and reviewed so far! Keep it coming! Disclaimers can be found in the summary. **

_And there's the sign that I'm looking for. Well, not exactly the sign that I'm looking for, but considering that it's already midnight, it'll have to do. Rusty O'Brien is the only restaurant near Mt. Horizon. The last time I was here, I was on caffeine restriction. Now I can't go a day without at least one cup of coffee. How things change…_

_I pull up to the small restaurant and park the SUV. Mt. Horizon is only about five minutes away, but I'm not ready to go there yet. I've shut the people there out for a decade. How will they react to seeing me? No, I need time to prepare. I need time to think of how I want to present myself. And the beauty of it all is that I have that time. I mean, even if the team is looking for me, they'll never find me. Not here. Not even Garcia could find me here._

_I try the front door, but it's locked. Not surprising, considering the "Closed" sign hanging in the window. I knock. If I'm lucky, Annie still owns the place. The restaurant also serves as her home, so she'll be sleeping somewhere. If she doesn't hear, then maybe her daughter will. _

_The door opens slowly and I'm surprised to see a teenage girl behind it. _

"_Gracie," I ask._

"_Yeah," she responds, perplexed, "How do you know my name?" _

"_Oh, I'm sorry. I'm-," I pause to think. I have no idea what to tell her._

_She moves her hand around as if to prompt me. I cough and act like I'm clearing my throat._

"_I'm an old friend of your mom. You've grown up into a beautiful young lady." Wow, did I really just say that? Now I feel old…_

"_Thanks… So we've met, then?"_

"_You were maybe five or six the last time I saw you, so I doubt you remember. How old are you now?"_

"_Seventeen. So, what brings you out here at this time of night? Mom's still asleep."_

"_I was just on the road and needed somewhere to stop for the night." _

"_You know that there is a camp in Mt. Horizon that isn't too far away, right?"_

"_Yeah, but I can't really go up there… Not yet, anyway…"_

"_Oh," she says. Her eyes tell me that she understands. "Did you want to speak with my mom?"_

"_Yes, please. I mean, if it isn't too much trouble."_

"_Not at all." She enters another room behind the bar, and Annie comes out a moment later._

"_Thank you, Gracie," she calls through the door. "Now get some sleep."_

_She approaches me with squinted eyes, as if that will help her recognize me. "Can I help you?"_

"_Yeah, I think you can. Do you know a girl named Shelby Merrick?"_

_She nods, opening her mouth as if to say something, but then she pauses. She starts studying my face again. _

"_No way," she murmurs. _

"_Yep," I say, "I'm back."_

"_But it's been…"_

"_Ten years, I know. I hope that I'm not hassling you right now, but I was wondering if you have somewhere for me to stay the night?"_

"_We have a guest room… God, I can't believe you're here! Peter is going to be ecstatic! I should call him." She starts to move to the phone, but I raise a hand._

"_Please don't," I shout, "I mean, I'm not quite ready for them to know yet. It's been a long time. That's why I want to know if I can stay here for the night. I'm trying to take everything at my own pace."_

"_Ok, I understand. You are going to visit them, though, right? Is that why you are here?"_

"_Yes, that's exactly why I'm here."_

"_Well, that's fantastic! I'm sure they'll be pleased! Now, if you'll follow me, I'll show you the guest room. I'm sure you must be exhausted by now."_

_Exhausted is an understatement, but I flash her a smile. "Thank you."_

**AN: That was a little longer than I pictured it being. Please let me know what you think!**


	4. Chapter 2

**AN: Not much to say. Thanks to those who have read, particularly those who have taken the time to review! Think everyone knows where the disclaimers are. Anyway, Garcia is always quite a challenge/adventure, so this chapter could be interesting or it could be terrible. Wish me luck!**

"Well hello my delicious hot fudge sundae," Garcia answered on the second ring, "Is this that personal call that I've been dreaming about? Because last time I checked, I already put my super sleuth skills into action, meaning that you should be in a little jet flying home now."

Morgan sighed. This wasn't going to be easy. "I'm sorry, baby girl. I need you to do some more digging."

"What's wrong? Did we get the wrong guy?"

"No, we got the right guy... This is kind of hard to explain."

"Just spit it out! Well, unless someone died... Oh my..."

Sometimes trying to stop Garcia was like standing in front of a train. Good thing that Morgan was her Superman. "No, no one died. It isn't that serious... JJ ran."

A long pause. He wondered if he had accidentally hung up.

"What," she finally asked, sounding awfully confused.

"She took off. We don't know where to. We think it has to do with Scott Barringer."

"What would Jayje have to do with a serial killer?"

"We don't have all the details yet. I need you to look through some records."

"Ok. Whatever I can do to help."

"That's my girl. I need you to go through all of JJ's rec—"

"No. I've already had to do that with you. There's no way I'm doing that with my best friend."

"Penelope, how did you handle looking through my files?"

"Jay told me that we were helping you."

"Exactly. Same thing here. We're helping her."

She released a deep sigh. "Ok, I'm on board."

"Good. So I need you to look through her records thoroughly. As far back as they go."

"Is that it?"

"No. I also need you to look up a girl named Shelby Merrick."

"Is she a victim?"

"No. We think she is linked to both Scott and JJ. We want as much information on her as you can get, and if there are any links at all between her and JJ, then we need to know."

"Ok, I'll call you back when I have something."

"Thanks baby girl," he said, "And about that personal call..."

"After all of this, Derek! We don't have time for such things right now."

"Yup. Good luck!"

"Thanks! Good bye, my hunky dreamboat!"

"Later Garci!"

/\/\/\/\/\

"Shelby Merrick," Rossi said while sliding into one of the metal chairs opposite of Scott Barringer.

"Are you going to let me speak with her," Scott said with a raised brow.

"Perhaps," Prentiss said, leaning against the table.

"But we'll need some information first," Rossi finished.

"She ran, didn't she?"

"Shit," Hotch grumbled in the observation room. He fumbled for his cell.

Prentiss opened her mouth, about to speak, when Rossi's phone rang.

"Hello? Yes. Bye."

"We'll be back," Rossi said, "Give you a little time to loosen those lips."

Scott rolled his eyes as the two agents left the room.

"Do you people think that I'm an idiot," he yelled to the mirror.

Outside, Hotch walked up to the pair.

"We let him know that JJ ran and he'll have complete control of the interrogation."

"I understand that, Aaron, but what other choice do we have?"

"I don't know. Let's let him sweat it out for a while."

"You don't really think that's going to make him talk, do you," Prentiss asked.

"No, but it buys us time to think about how we want to approach him. And maybe we'll get the information we need from Garcia."

"So we can't do anything else for her tonight. I suggest having everyone get some rest."

Hotch tensed, but he knew that Rossi was right. He nodded.

"Go ahead and finish up in there," he said, pointing toward the interrogation room door.

"Change of plans," Rossi spat upon re-entering the room, "You're spending the night in a nice, cozy cell."

"Woo-hoo," Scott mocked as he was led out.

**AN: Bleh! Not happy with this chapter. *shrug***


	5. Thoughts 3

**AN: Sorry about the long wait on this. This has been sort of hard to write from the beginning and I hit a block. I still want to finish it, though, so I'm going to try to fight through my writer's block on this. A little more insight into Shelby in this chapter, as well as a JJ flashback that I'm inventing (didn't happen in the show, I'm just making it up for the heck of it). I don't feel as good about this one as I felt about "Secrets," but to be honest, they are very different fics. Especially the tone/mood. For people who have been sticking with this one and encouraging me, thank you! Makes me feel a lot less crappy about this one (quite frankly, I'm frustrated with this one). Disclaimers are included in the summary. **

_A pair of blue jeans is one of the little joys in life. I'm lucky that I chose to wear them this morning, because they are easier to sleep in than slacks. With my go-bag sitting in the hotel room, I'm definitely screwed in the clothes department. Maybe I can borrow some from someone when I get to Horizon. My eyes begin to droop before I even collapse on the bed. As soon as my head hits the pillow, I fade away._

"_**Hello," she said over the phone, "Shelby?"**_

"_**Mom," I answer, irritation already brimming at the tip of my tongue.**_

"_**I know that you're angry, Shel, but I have some news that I think will interest you."**_

"_**You don't know the half of it," I spit, "And I don't go by Shelby anymore."**_

"_**You changed your name?"**_

"_**Didn't have much of a choice. Why the hell do you care, anyway? Wasn't like you gave a shit when it mattered."**_

"_**Sorry, I—"**_

"_**Sorry? Sorry? You let him get away with it, and all you have to say now is sorry? Go to hell!"**_

_**I think about hanging up, but something keeps me on the line. There's a long silence. I take a moment to calm myself, and then speak up again. God knows my mother isn't going to. **_

"_**Sorry. It still... stings. That's all."**_

"_**You don't owe me an apology, Sh-," she stops herself. "What are you going by now?"**_

"_**Jennifer. Jennifer Jareau. My colleagues call me JJ."**_

"_**Colleagues? Where are you working?"**_

"_**The FBI. It keeps me really busy. You said you have some news?"**_

"_**He's dead. Walt is dead."**_

_**Another pause. Neither of us really know what to say. I finally find my voice after seconds that seem more like minutes.**_

"_**How," I ask, "How did the bastard die?"**_

"_**He was stabbed by his prison mate. By the time the guards got there, he was gone."**_

"_**He got off too easy. Why are you telling me this?"**_

"_**You have the right to know after what he did to you. You both have the right to know."**_

"_**No," I say frantically, "Please say that you haven't told Jess yet."**_

"_**I haven't, but I'm going to as soon as I'm off the phone with you."**_

"_**No. Just let it die, Mom. Don't dig up those memories again. Not with her."**_

"_**She has a right to know."**_

"_**She doesn't need to know! It doesn't help a damn thing!"**_

"_**She's going to find out eventually."**_

"_**Then let me tell her. Let me call her. I know what she's been through. I understand what it's like. You don't."**_

_**My mother sighs. "Fine, as long as you promise to let her know."**_

"_**I promise. Now are we done?"**_

"_**I suppose so. I—"**_

_**She doesn't get to finish because I hang up the phone. I have no interest in hearing what else she has to say. Damn her for bringing him up again! After finally getting to the point where I could go an extended period of time without thinking about him, thinking about the atrocities that he committed. After moving on, she starts it all afresh. I won't do the same to Jess. I can't put her through that. **_

_**Everything fades to black for a moment. An image begins to form. It's blurry at first, but it quickly becomes clearer. I soon recognize the handsome face of Derek Morgan. Much younger than the last time I saw him. I shake his hand and he flashes me that mega-watt smile.**_

"_**Jennifer Jareau, eh," he repeats, as if tasting the name, "Mind if I call you JJ?"**_

_**I think about it a second, then smile back. "I like it. JJ it is."**_

"_**Cool. Having someone to handle press conferences should really come in handy. Having a woman on board is nice, too." He winked. "So, ready for your first briefing?"**_

"_**Been looking forward to it all week."**_

"_**Great. Follow me, then, Hotch's office is right this way."**_

_The alarm clock trills piercingly, waking me from my slumber. It reads 8:01 A.M. as I hit the snooze button. I continue to lie in bed, allowing my mind to review the dreams. Tears come to my eyes as I think about the first time that I met Derek. I try to fight them off, but sobs begin to shake my entire frame. I give up fighting it. Hell, I don't have to fight it anymore. They aren't around anymore; I don't have to hide anymore. So I let the tears fall, let the emotions run their course. I slowly regain my composure, sniffling as I push myself up into a sitting position._

_The bar clock reads 8:12 as I take a seat beside Annie._

"_Up already," I ask._

"_Yeah, I'm a bit of an early bird. My husband and daughter, on the other hand..."_

_I chuckle as I can literally hear the snores of her husband, the local sheriff, from their room. "I wish I could sleep like that."_

"_Oh, you and me both!"_

"_Congratulations on that, by the way. The marriage, I mean."_

"_Thank you."_

_There was a pause before she spoke again._

"_You want some coffee," she asked, holding up her mug._

"_Yes, please." She pours me a cup and hands it to me. "Thank you."_

"_Don't mention it. So, when are you planning on heading to Horizon."_

"_Today. When does the restaurant open?"_

"_I'm taking today off, actually. We have a hiking trip planned."_

"_That sounds like fun," I respond, taking a sip of my coffee, "Mm, that's good."_

"_Thanks, glad you like it."_

"_I just wanted to thank you," I say, "For everything. I know that I came in very late last night. I'm sorry that I disrupted your sleep, and I hope I haven't been too much trouble."_

"_Of course not, Shel. It is actually very nice to see you, a pleasant surprise. You've grown into a beautiful young woman."_

"_Thank you, but I'd best get out of your hair. After all, Peter likes to start off things pretty early in the morning."_

"_True. But just remember that you are welcome here anytime."_

_I stand up from my chair, and she does the same. I hug her. "Tell your family that I wish them well," I say, "And enjoy your hike."_

"_Thanks. Good luck with Peter and the gang."_

"_After how long it's been, I wouldn't be surprised if I need it."_

"_I'm sure it will go fine. Come back to visit again when you can stay a bit longer."_

_And with that, I step out the door of Rusty O'Brien, hop back into Morgan's SUV, and pull back onto the highway. Next stop: Mt. Horizon. _


	6. Chapter 3

**AN: Trying to make up for lost time. Thanks to those who have already reviewed, and those who haven't gotten to the last chapter yet, but will. Don't know when my next update will be after this one. Have to finish up my summer reading (still have a little less than half of the book left) and then it is off to college in three days. Maybe I'll have some free time eventually, but I'm not sure (and it probably won't be early on, because I'll be using that time to better acquaint myself with people, the campus, etc.). To the readers that have stuck with me through all of this, thanks! I love you guys! I know that the long waits are frustrating, but I am trying to bring this one to a close. So thanks for the support! You know where to find disclaimers, so I'll dive right back into things...**

It was early in the morning, but the team was already hard at work. Bags under their eyes indicated a sleepless night for all of them, but it didn't reflect on their work ethic. If anything, they were working even harder than yesterday. Hotch made a decision to let Sullivan and Frost handle the interrogation with Scott, deciding that swapping feds for cops could catch him off guard. It also freed up Rossi and Prentiss to join Reid in profiling their missing teammate. Morgan was involved in the profiling as well, but he was on phone duty, waiting for the call that was bound to come from Garcia. Morgan looked down at the cell in his hand while Prentiss wrote down another detail on the marker board. He almost dropped it when it vibrated, but quickly came to and answered it.

"Baby girl, tell me you've got something good," he said as he exited the conference room inhabited by the team.

"Well, I don't know if it's good or not, but it's definitely something," the spunky blonde said, "JJ changed her name when she was 18."

"And she was Shelby Merrick before that," Morgan said in more of a statement than a question as he started to piece it together.

"Yup. There isn't a lot of information on Shelby, but there was a sealed file."

"Were you able to unseal it?"

"Kind of," Garcia said, "But it didn't help anything. When I got it opened up, it was busted. A ton of data that should have been there was missing, just little bits and pieces that were completely useless. It was really kooky."

"How kooky, sugar?"

"Like the file was probably tampered with kooky. Someone did not want anyone to find out what was in this file."

_Probably JJ, _Morgan thought.

"But," Garcia continued, "a kid with a record and a sealed file tells me that it was most likely some sort of juvenile crime. Her changing her name at 18 would align pretty well with that, too. That's my professional opinion."

"Is your personal one different?"

"I don't know, sweet cheeks," Garcia said with a trace of sorrow, "If you asked me yesterday if JJ had ever committed a crime, I would know the answer immediately. But, to be honest, I don't know anything about her past, and with the name change and all, it wouldn't be shocking if she hid some other things from us, too."

"Yeah. Hopefully she'll have a good reason for sending us on this damn goose chase."

"I'm sure she will. We all have a little darkness in our past. Isn't really far to expect JJ's to be nothing but sunshine and rainbows."

"Maybe, but she didn't have to run from it."

"We don't know that, Der. We don't know anything. Besides, I recall hearing how hard you fought to keep your past out of the open. JJ's always been kind of private, so I think we shouldn't expect her to be much different."

"Ok, ok. I didn't mean to rile you up. I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it. We're all stressed," she said, "There's one more thing that I found. Shelby was sent to a correctional school when she was 15."

"Correctional school," Morgan repeated, "Does the school have a name?"

"Give me a sec. This file is all wacky, too. Think I should be able to find something, though... And viola!"

"A name?"

"Yup. Mt. Horizon High School, it's located just outside Seattle. Maybe a few hours tops."

"Yeah, I've seen that mountain on the map. Can you get directions to the school?"

"As easily as I can talk dirty to you. I'll fax them."

"Thanks, baby girl."

"No problem. I'll keep looking to see if I can dig up anything else. But Derek..."

"Yeah, Pen?"

"Promise me you'll find her. Promise me that you'll bring her back home."

"Consider it done," Morgan replied, praying that he didn't just make a promise that he couldn't keep. Finishing up the conversation, he walked over to the fax machine, hoping that the papers were spitting out of it held the secret to where JJ was.

/

Hotch stood in the observation room, his right hand hovering over his mouth as he surveyed the interrogation.

"Detectives, huh," Scott asked, skeptical, "Why would the feds back down for you guys?"

"Shelby Merrick," Sullivan said, avoiding the question, "You claim that we work with her. Why don't you tell us about her? Why do you need to talk to her so badly?"

"She really did run, didn't she?"

"Is that what she did to you," Sullivan shot back, "She run from you, Scott? Did she see something in you that scared her off?"

"No, actually. I was one of the few things in life that she didn't run from."

_She's a runner, _Hotch profiled. _If a problem arises, she takes off instead of facing it head on._

"What did she run from, Scott," Frost pressed.

"Why does it matter? Why are you so interested? I was told that she doesn't work with the feds."

"We aren't the feds," Sullivan stated, "Whether she works for them really doesn't have anything to do with us."

Scott rolled his eyes. "They really do think I'm an idiot, don't they? Swapping up roles isn't going to fool me. In fact, I'm still waiting for that lawyer that I requested."

Sullivan tossed him her cell phone. "Then call him. But the moment you do, you lose any chance at talking to Shelby."

"If she ran, then what chance do I have," he asked, picking up the detective's phone.

"Help us find her, and you'll get to see her."

"Is that a guarantee," Scott questioned with a raised brow, "Or just some crap you're feeding me to get information?"

"We've got enough evidence to bust you on these murders," Frost threatened, "So you decide. If you're serious about seeing Shelby, then start talking. If not, then go ahead and make that phone call. We'll rip both of you to shreds in court."

Scott pondered that for a moment before placing the phone back on the table.

"Wise decision," Sullivan said as she pocketed the phone. "So, what do you know?"


	7. Thoughts 4

**AN: I can't believe that the last time that I wrote for this was before I started my first year of college. I apologize for being a bum lately. Anyway, I'll spare you the long note and just try to get things churning here. Disclaimers are in the summary on my profile page. Also, if anyone has a better way of spelling out the shortened version of Sophie, then please let me know. I know it sounds like "Soph," but it just looks bad to me for some reason.**

_I look to the SUV's clock, which reads 9:34 as I drive through the entrance to Mt. Horizon. The place hasn't changed much. I don't know what I was expecting. Maybe that old Hollywood movie quality with the black-and-white footage and all that jazz. Even so, Mt. Horizon is still the same sanctuary that it was a decade ago. I gather a little comfort by this as I park the vehicle in front of the main office. After all, if the school is the same, maybe Peter and Sophie haven't changed much, either. As if on cue, a dark-haired man in a jacket and khakis steps out of the wooden cabin in front of me as I hop out of the SUV. His appearance has not changed much, that's for sure. Maybe a few extra wrinkles here or there, but Peter Scarbrow has aged remarkably well. I smile as I approach him, pocketing my sunglasses so that he may have a chance of recognizing me._

"_Shelby," he exclaims, running towards me with arms outstretch. I'm pretty sure that I feel my feet leave the ground as his bear hug nearly crushes me. _

"_Hey," I gasp, "Long time, no see."_

"_Too long," he says, finally letting go. "What brings you here?"_

"_I guess I missed the mountain air. I've been in the city too long."_

_He nods. "Now _that_ I can understand. Follow me inside. I'm sure Soph would love to see you."_

_Same old Peter. He leads me inside, around a corner, and into a large room with a fireplace. I can still picture a much younger version of myself sitting beside that fireplace. A few of the memories are happy ones..._

"_Shelby," Sophie Becker... or should I say Sophie Scarbrow, shouts with glee as she flings herself at me. It is good to see that these two have stayed together. There was a time when Sophie was worried that not being able to have kids would kill their relationship, but we all knew that Peter cared for her too much to let that happen. _

"_It's great to see you again," I say as I am released from the hug._

"_Yes, it's such a nice surprise. I've got to go, though. Lots of young Cliffhangers to look after, but how about dinner?"_

"_Of course," I answer. "Have fun!"_

_I remember a time when I was a Cliffhanger. Mt. Horizon divided the kids into different groups. Kind of like summer camp. The name Cliffhangers may have had to do with the expectations for our group, but hey, most of us made it out alright in the end. _

"_Come join me in my office," Peter says, holding the door open for me and gesturing to the couch. _

"_Thanks."_

"_Would you like anything to drink," he asks as I take a seat._

"_Do you have any water?"_

"_Always," he responds, running to the kitchen and returning shortly with a bottle of water._

"_No fridge in your office," I joke._

"_Nah, you know me, Shel. There's more money left over for the kids and more exercise for me if I walk to the kitchen."_

"_Or run."_

"_True. So what really brings you up here?"_

"_Does there have to be a reason?"_

"_It's in your eyes. Always has been with you. But I'll wait until you're ready."_

_I nod gratefully. Pete is good like that. Like the father that I never had. Like Hotch after him... I felt a tear well up in my eye, but I blinked it off._

"_How many of them have visited?"_

"_The old Cliffhangers, you mean? Most of them. Kat's still here as a counselor, but she's scouting this week. She is interested in opening up another school in a different part of the country in order to help more struggling kids. So she's been visiting different areas to see where the best place would be. Auggie and Juliette visit together sometimes with their daughter. I think she's six now. He's an art teacher at a high school and she stays at home with the kid. Ezra is a director in Vancouver now. He occasionally uses our property to film when he needs something more adventurous. And Daisy is a grief counselor in Seattle. She specializes in helping people who are coping with alcoholic family members and those who have suffered from the loss of a family member."_

"_Good. It sounds like they are all happy."_

"_Yup. The only two that I had not seen are Scott and you... Well, until today. Have you been in touch with him at all?"_

_Peter didn't know that Scott and I broke up after leaving Horizon. _

"_It's complicated," I reply, not wanting to divulge the news until after I got my other questions answered. "Is my sis still here?"_

"_Jess made an amazing recovery. I think having you around for the first few years helped. She felt like she could be a little less on-guard because she had you to protect her. She is a counselor here now."_

"_Really?"_

"_Yeah. You two haven't kept contact?"_

"_It's been hard." It is a lame excuse, but it is all I have. He doesn't look too judgmental, but I can guess what he's thinking. _

"_Well, you can definitely see her later. What have you been up to?"_

"_I'm an FBI agent in D.C. I handle the press for the Behavioral Analysis Unit, which utilizes criminal profilers to catch serial killers, kidnappers, terrorists, and the like."_

"_Wow. That's a great accomplishment!"_

_I blush. "Yeah. Well, it was..."_

_He raises a brow. "What do you mean?"_

"_I haven't been completely honest with you. I am happy to get to see you, but I was in the area because we are working a case. You may have heard about the women in Seattle?"_

"_Yes. I saw a press conference on the news, but that girl was named... Ah-ha!"_

"_Jennifer Jareau. Yeah, that's me. My colleagues call me JJ."_

"_I remember now. You made that change before you went off to college."_

"_Mm-hmm. I'm sorry I didn't keep you in the loop with all of this. God knows you've gotten me farther than anyone else in my life."_

"_No, not at all. You did it yourself, Shelby. I just tried to help out when I could. Anyway, how did the case go?"_

"_Terribly. Scott lost it."_

"_What do you mean?"_

"_There isn't an easy way to tell you this, so I'll just say it. We apprehended him as the suspect for the murders."_

_Sadness clouds his eyes at the news. He tried so hard to help Scott, and he did, but ultimately things didn't work out right. After a moment to gather his thoughts, he spoke up again._

"_So that's why you are here? To give me the news?"_

"_Sort of. I've dug myself a big hole. My colleagues don't know about Shelby Merrick. I was kind of banking on them not finding out. But they're pretty close now, and I sort of freaked and ran. But I didn't know where to run, so I headed here. I've always been able to count on you, so you were the first to pop into my head."_

_He nods his understanding. "I can't say that running away from a life that you've worked so hard to build is a good thing, but you are welcome to stay here as long as you need to in order to figure things out. I'll try to help in whatever way I can."_

_I get up from the couch and embrace him again, pecking him on the cheek._

"_Thank you so much for everything, Peter." _

_After a moment, I let go and flash him a grin. "You mentioned my sis still being here?"_

"_Yes, of course," he reacts with a smile. "Let's go try to track her down together."_

**AN: I'm writing at 5:30 AM and this is a sloppy, hardly edited mess, so forgive any errors (and feel free to point them out, particularly ones involving past/present tense). This is supposed to be in present tense, so don't be afraid to call me out on it. In the long run, though, I consider just writing in general, regardless of how bad, as progress, so I hope you enjoy! **


	8. Chapter 4

**AN: This may be short. This is sort of just one of those filler chapters that move the story along, so don't expect much from it. For those who have written reviews, thank you very much! I know how long this has dragged on, but I do appreciate your support and patience. As always, I own neither CM nor HG. **

Morgan took the paper with the directions out of the fax machine and handed it to Hotch.

"So we think she's at Mt. Horizon?"

"It's the best shot we have," Morgan answered. "Garcia found out that JJ and this Shelby Merrick are one and the same. Shelby spent time at this high school, which is specifically for rehabilitating troubled teens. Scott appears to be around her age, so if they actually knew each other, that could have been the source."

Hotch nodded before turning to the front entrance.

"Tell the others to keep after it. Interrogate Scott, continue to get whatever you can from Garcia, and anything else you can think of. Keep me in the loop."

"Wait a second," Morgan said, causing Hotch to spin around. "I'm going with you."

"No, you aren't. You're staying here and working with the team."

"Hotch, if it wasn't for me giving her the key, she'd still be in this building. I'm going with you!"

Hotch sighed, looking Morgan in the eye. It wasn't a hard look, but he had to deal with Morgan's guilt right now. "Think this through, Derek. If she really thinks that her issues are so problematic that she has to run rather than tell us, then chances are she isn't going to talk to two of us. One of us is already too much, but two would surely spook her more."

Morgan was clearly crestfallen, but accepted that Hotch was right.

"Ok. Just make sure to get her back, Hotch."

"Of course. Stop blaming yourself. This is not your fault. In fact, you were probably the only one that had no prior warning of her having issues. We've all been around her a lot more than you this week, so this one is on all of us a little bit. You trusted her because she seemed ok and you had no reason to think otherwise. This is _not_ your fault."

"Yes sir." It wasn't clear to Hotch whether Morgan actually believed him or not, but he didn't have any more time to try to convince him.

"Ok," he said, turning back to the door again. "Wish me luck."

"Good luck," Morgan chuckled, turning around in order to head to the observation room. He sent a silent prayer up to a God that he chose to believe in today, hoping that Hotch would succeed in bringing JJ home. He told himself that he wanted this for Garcia's sake, but he knew deep down that it was important to all of them. Family... Regardless of how each team member acted individually, they each came together to create a tight-knit family. He would never outwardly admit to being worried. Instead, he sent up a second prayer as he watched Scott spill his guts to Detectives Sullivan and Frost through the magic glass.

**AN: This isn't the last of Scott, but I don't feel that this chapter is a good time to deal with him, so this is where this chapter will end. I'm glad to finally have this one out of the way, as the story will hopefully progress a little easier now...**


	9. Thoughts 5

**AN: This is a reunion that I've been looking forward to, so hopefully I can do it justice. For those who took the time to review the boring chapter, I thank you! *DISCLAIMER* I do not own Criminal Minds or Higher Ground.**

"_I must be dreaming," she says, "Because that looks like Shelby Merrick besides you."_

"_You aren't dreaming," Peter replies with a grin, backing up to get out of the way. Good thing, too, as it only took another half-second for Jess to pounce on me._

"_Shel," she exclaimed. I grip the back of my shirt and hold her tight. My eyes are watery, but it is the first genuine smile that I've had in some time. I don't want to let go, but eventually we release just enough to hold each others' arms and just look at each other. Our noses were nearly touching, and the tears streaking down her face had me crying moments later._

"_Dammit, Jess," I say, wiping my eyes. "You've got me crying now."_

"_I'm sorry. It's just been so long. And you didn't call. I'm... I'm just shocked."_

"_I know. I missed you."_

"_I missed you, too," she agrees. Stepping back, she gestured with her hands toward me. "And look at you! You're gorgeous!"_

_Yeah, a week of sleep deprivation and wrinkled clothes are apparently what my sister considers 'gorgeous.'_

"_Not too bad yourself, kiddo," I say with a wink and a smile. After a few moments of silence, she speaks up again._

"_Shit," she groans. "I've got watch over the Trackers today. Say, Peter, do you mind if Shel shadows me?"_

"_Of course not," he says. "She should know how to run place already."_

_I laugh. "I wasn't here _that_ long, Peter."_

"_Great," Jess exclaims. Her expression quickly swaps to a frown as she looks down at my shoes. "Um, I'll let you borrow one of my pair of boots."_

_I grin as she rushes into her cabin. Peter steps up to once again stand beside me._

"_Thank you," I say again, facing him. I've only said it to him a gazillion times during my life, but this time wasn't for myself. His brow furrowed._

"_What for?"_

"_Ten years ago, we asked you to save her life. Her eyes were dead back then. There was nothing there. Just a bland pool of color. Today I saw a glint. I saw happiness. That's my sister, Peter. You saved her, and for that I can't thank you enough."_

"_These are the best pair I've got," Jess says as she returned from the inner depths of the cabin. "Well, other than the ones on my feet, of course. Just toss those shoes of yours in my house and put these on."_

"_Thanks, sis," I reply, looking up to Peter as I take a seat on the porch step and start tying the boots. He nods, accepting my thank you without tipping Jess off to our conversation. _

"_I've got to get going," he says. "I'm supervising the Ridge Runners today. I expect to see both of you at dinner, though."_

"_Of course," Jess answers. "C'mon, Shel, follow me." _

**AN: Short, but my next introspection piece should be much longer. I may skip right on to it if I can't think of anything good to do with the team. I'll have to see what I come up with. Thanks for reading! **


	10. Thoughts 6

**AN: More introspection. What can I say? Shelby's mind is a fascinating place. Thanks for the reviews from the last chapter, and I hope you enjoy this one! Disclaimers are included in the summary of the story.**

"_Okay, Trackers," Jess shouts to the group of teenagers. "Ten minute break."_

_Everyone takes off their backpacks and finds logs to sit on. They form a circle and joke amongst themselves. Only one chooses not to join the group, deciding instead to lean her back against a tree. I sit next to my sis, but my eyes don't leave the girl._

"_Reminds me of you when you first got here," I say. "Hell, there were some days when you didn't even want to talk me."_

"_That's Kit," Jess answers. "She's been like that for two months now. Peter says that she's our biggest challenge since you."_

_Glad to see that the bluntness of Mt. Horizon hasn't changed. I can probably credit my thick skin on the job to dealing with my fellow "students" during my stay here. Of course, that tough skin is relatively useless now. _

"_Do you mind if I go sit with her?"_

"_Break a leg."_

_I smirk as I stand to walk over to Kit. I squat down in the dirt to her right. She continues to study the dirt in front of her._

"_Kit, eh," I say. "Katherine, perhaps?"_

"_Christina," she mumbles. "Lame, right?"_

"_Could be worse. My name is Shelby. It means 'willow.'"_

"_Willow?" She snorts._

"_Yeah. I know. So what's so fascinating about that dirt that you are staring at?"_

_Her head turns slowly toward me. She sighs. "Nothing. Just reminds me of how I've been treated."_

"_They can help you, you know?" I nudge my head toward Jess. "She can help you."_

"_Who said anything about me needing help?"_

"_Well, you're a screw-up, right?"_

_There is a flash of shock in her eyes, but it vanishes as quickly as it appears. She's used to the kids calling her a screw-up, but the adults typically have a bit more tact. "Yeah. Just like everyone else around here."_

"_I'm a screw-up, too," I say. "I'm here because they can help me."_

"_Give me a break, lady," she says, rolling her eyes. "What did you say your name was? Shelby? Shelby, don't act like you understand me. You don't."_

"_We aren't so different, actually. You know I was here ten years ago?"_

_She shrugs, so I continue._

"_I came back because I ran away from my life. Again. I do that a lot. I screw up like that. How about you, kid? Why are you hear?"_

"_Okay, Trackers," Jess pipes up, though her eyes are still observing Kit and I. "We've got about five miles left on our hike, so let's get going."_

_The teens take the lead, with Jess taking the rear so that she can keep an eye on things. I keep pace with Kit, who is furthest back out of the kids. She is silent for about ten minutes, but she keeps glancing at me. Probably trying to look at my eyes in some desperate attempt to figure out if she can trust me or not. Ultimately, that's all these kids need. Someone that they can trust. Someone that they can confide in. She finally speaks up in a way that only I will hear her._

"_I wasn't a runner," she whispers. "I was an abuser. My father beat me within an inch of my life every week. He was a drinker. He used to split the attention between me and my mom. She left us. Decided that she couldn't take it anymore. But I guess she thought that I could, because she left me there with him. What kind of mother would do that?"_

_I gesture to Jess behind us with a sideways glance. "Does she know?"_

"_No. Child services took me in after he was arrested for aggravated assault in a bar. I was using a lot of pain killers at the time to get high. I just had to get away, you know? There were bruises, but they were faint because he hadn't beaten me that week. I was an athlete, so I played it off as bumps from soccer practice. They might know, but if they do it isn't because I told them."_

"_So why are you telling me?"_

"_I don't see the harm in it. I figure you aren't going to be staying here. You'll get whatever the heck you are looking for, and then you'll leave. And if you tell them..."_

"_I won't," I promise. "You are trusting me with this, so I'll respect that. But you should tell them. I know it isn't easy, but it eats away at you when you keep it inside. I'm serious about them being able to help you. I'm not saying that you have to do it now, but when you are ready, don't be afraid to trust them. Especially Peter. He's saved a lot of people."_

"_A lot of screw-ups, you mean," she asks with a smirk. "Did he save you?"_

"_Yes. He saved Jess and I both."_

"_What did he save you from?"_

"_Shel," Jess calls from behind._

_I turn to Kit, then behind me, then back to her. "I'm sorry, but..."_

"_I get it. I'd rather be alone, anyway."_

_I dig into my pocket for my wallet and pull out a card. "Here. This card has my cell phone number and my e-mail address on it. If you want to talk, just let one of the counselors know. Okay?"_

_She shrugs, and I know from experience that that is the closest to a confirmation as I am going to get._

"_Shelby, can you hear me," Jess shouts._

"_Coming," I yell. I turn back to Kit one more time._

"_I know you won't believe me right now, and that's okay. But you will get through this. There's more to life than just this."_

_And with that, I slow my pace so that my sister can catch up with me, watching as Kit continues to trek through the path. _

"_Did she tell you anything?"_

"_No. Nothing important."_

"_That's the longest that I've seen that girl near anyone since she got here, you know?"_

_I smirk. "I've always been able to attract the troubled ones, haven't I?"_

_She punches my arm playfully. "Shush!"_

_My stomach roars. "God, I'm hungry! How much longer is this hike?"_

"_Should be just about a mile. Then it's off to dinner with Peter and Sophie."_

* * *

"_So I hear that you met Kit," Peter says, taking a bite of mashed potatoes._

"_Yeah."_

"_And she talked to you," Sophie asks, raising an eyebrow._

"_I sort of have that affect on people," I retort._

"_What did she say," Peter queries. _

"_Nothing that will help us out," Jess answers for me._

"_Basically," I confirm. "You guys are going to have to work to break that shell. However, Peter, I hear that you compared her to me. I'm not sure whether to take that as a compliment or an insult."_

_He swallows his potatoes hard as Sophie chuckles._

"_Busted," she teases._

"_Just a comparison," he defend., "You did take a while to open up at all."_

_I shrug. "Fair enough."_

"_So why are you really here, sis?"_

"_What do you mean, Jess?"_

"_Ten years and you suddenly pop out of nowhere? Regardless of how much I'd love to believe that, I can see it in your eyes. Something's up."_

_I sigh. It was one thing to explain these sorts of things to Peter. Jess was different. _

"_The BAU has been working a case in Seattle, so I was close by. We were tracking down a serial killer. You've probably read about him in the news."_

_She nods, so I continue._

"_Turns out the killer is Scott."_

_Jess gasps and covers her mouth. "Oh my gosh, Shel..."_

_I shake my head. "Unfortunately, that isn't my main problem. My team doesn't know about my past. They don't know about the time I spent here. They certainly don't know anything about what got me here. They couldn't. If they knew about my priors, then it would have made it hard for me to get into the FBI, not to mention advance to the position I currently hold. I got so used to living the lie, that when they came close to discovering the truth, I panicked. I took one of the SUV's and got the hell out of there. I didn't know where to go, so I went here. This has always been my sanctuary."_

"_You described them as your family in the couple of letters that you sent to me," Jess says, trying to put the pieces together. _

"_Yes, but they were Jennifer Jareau's family, not Shelby Merrick's."_

"_You're sure that isn't just an excuse to defend running again," she presses. I would be surprised, but I figured before I even started that she would take it this way. Personal experiences tend to cloud our perceptions. Despite not being thrown off by her reaction, I am at a blank when it came to a response._

"_These people you work with," she continues, "They read people, right?"_

"_Yes. They are profilers."_

"_So you think they're just going to let you go?"_

"_Again, they were JJ's family, not mine."_

"_As far as I'm concerned, you are one and the same. I'm sure they feel the same way. If they care about you, and from the sounds of it they do, then they are going to come searching for you. And it sounds like they have the skills to find you."_

"_I'll deal with that when the time comes."_

"_How, Shel?"_

_I pause. Those damn tears are coming to my eyes again, so I fight them off. Somehow, I manage to keep the emotion in my voice measured. "I don't know."_

"_Well, I think you are making a mistake by running. When has running actually helped you in your life, Shel? You've lost two families by running. Why would you want to lose a third by doing the same thing again?"_

"_What am I supposed to do, Jess," I shout. Kids from the table next to us turn to see what the commotion is about. I feel my cheeks flush red as Peter shoos them off, telling them to eat their dinner._

"_I'm sorry."_

"_Don't be," Jess says, reaching across the table to take my hand. "I know it's difficult, Shel. But I also know that you care about these people. So tell them the truth. You told the people sitting right here at this table the truth long ago, and we still love you, right? At least give them a chance to do the same thing."_

_A stray tear slips down my cheek, and I dab at it with my napkin. After taking a swig of water, I nod. _

"_I guess it is worth a shot. I mean, what's to lose?"_

_A yawn escapes my lips shortly after the last bite of dinner. "I'm sorry, I know it is early, but I haven't slept well at all this week."_

"_You can stay in my cabin," Jess offers. "We have a guest room, and I have some more comfortable clothes that you can borrow."_

"_Thanks Jess. And thanks for letting me stay here, Mister and Misses Scarbrow."_

"_Anytime," they say in unison. _

"_But don't call me Misses," Sophie jokes, "I'm not _that_ old yet! That's almost as bad as calling me ma'am."_

_We all laugh. I give them both hugs before following Jess back to her cabin. At the door, she turns back and looks into my eyes._

"_You got something out of Kit, didn't you?"_

_I smile. "Guess I can't get anything past you, eh? I promised her I wouldn't tell. She told me things in confidence. You guys will break through eventually, but I'm not going to snap her trust like that. These kids have had that happen too many times already. You and I both know that. I gave her my card in case she wants to talk to me, but I encouraged her to talk to you about it also."_

_She nods. "Okay. You know you'd make a pretty good counselor around here... Anyway, the guest room is right here. My husband's out of town tonight, so it is just you and me. I'll go grab some pajamas for you out of my room."_

_I kick off my shoes and lay on the bed, contemplating what it would be like to be a counselor after all that has happened in my life. I must have fell asleep before Jess found those PJ's, because the last thing I remember is hearing her scrounge through her closet in the other room._

**AN: For once, I haven't written a somewhat long chapter. I'm kind of proud of myself. You can probably see where I am going with this. This is not beta'd, so feel free to point out any mistakes if you catch them. Also, if you are interested, I have started up a fictionpress account under the same pen name as this account. Go check it out if you would like to read my original work. As always, thanks for the support! Love you guys!**


	11. Chapter 5

**AN: Wow, it's been a while. I apologize about the delay. Writing anything has been difficult recently, but I'm going to try to get kicking with this one. After all, you all deserve an actual ending to this fic. Thanks for all of the support! I'll try to make it worthwhile for you to continue reading. There may be some slight style changes in this chapter compared to the others. I'm constantly learning, so grammatically there are a few things that I know now that I didn't know several months ago when I wrote the last chapter. Otherwise, I will try to stay true to the story. *DISCLAIMER* I own neither CM nor HG.**

The idea of flipping on the siren and speeding down the highway tumbled around in the mind of Aaron Hotchner. He decided better of it. Flying through the torrential downpour was just asking for trouble, regardless of how desperate the situation appeared. He whispered to himself that JJ would probably have looked for somewhere to hunker down for the night. It was a steady assertion that seemed to help him prevent his foot from turning into lead. He only prayed that their hunch about Horizon was right as the mile markers continued to tick by.

Finding a radio station to calm his frantic mind at this time wasn't easy. With one hand on the wheel, he flipped through a compilation of rap, pop, and other modern stations until finally landing on one that was having an oldies hour. A girl who went by 'R' called in wanting to hear "Strangers In The Night" by Frank Sinatra. Frankie had been a favorite of his mother's. It had driven him crazy as a child, but he couldn't help but smirk a bit at the memory. Even the smallest distraction was a blessing at this point.

He passed a sign reading "Mt. Horizon Correctional School" about forty-five minutes later. Already deep into the nighttime hours, he doubted that anyone would be awake. He pulled up to the cabin that marked the front entrance of the school and parked in the gravel. Hopping out of the SUV, he moved deftly to the porch. After a day like this, the last thing he wanted to deal with was being soaked from the storm.

He paused to take a breath, having no idea who he'd be confronted by on the other side of the door. He delivered three loud knocks during the exhale.

"FBI," he said, already holding up the badge as the door opened.

/

"Follow me, Agent..."

"Hotchner."

"Peter Scarbrow. Nice to meet you, Agent Hotchner. Would you like anything to drink? I understand it's a bit of a drive between here and Seattle."

"A glass of water would be great, thank you. And feel free to call me Aaron."

The idea was simple. Hotch needed this man to cooperate, so building as much of a rapport with him as possible was paramount. Developing a first name basis wasn't a bad start.

"Bottles work for you?"

"Of course."

Peter tossed him a water bottle from the kitchen refrigerator and grabbed one for himself.

"The kids work hard on washing the dishes, so I'd hate to dirty them up after they go to bed. My office is right this way."

Hotch glanced around the place as he followed. The cabin was impressive. Sturdy wood, nicely furnished, the whole nine yards.

"You build up this place yourself, Peter?"

"Not quite," he said, holding open the office door. "But I've been in charge of running it for over a decade now. Feel free to sit on the sofa. It's the best seat in the house."

"Thanks," Hotch chuckled.

Peter closed the door and walked over to his desk. Pulling out his chair, he positioned himself opposite of Hotch.

"So what brings you all the way out here, Aaron? We rarely get feds."

He filled him in to some extent. The pain in Peter's expression at the mention of Scott being the prime suspect didn't go unnoticed.

"So Shelby Merrick is the key to a lot of this," Hotch concluded. "My top priority is my missing agent. If you have any information that would be helpful regarding Scott or Shelby, it would be greatly appreciated."

"I understand your position, Aaron, but I'm sorry. I can't give out information on either. My duty is to the kids who attend this school. That doesn't change after they graduate."

Hotch figured as much. He sensed that Peter was genuine in his motives, but it didn't make this any less of a hassle to deal with. He'd have to try a different angle.

"My goal here isn't to hurt either one. All I care about is finding Jennifer Jareau. I believe that she and Shelby are one and the same. Am I wrong in thinking that?"

"I'm sorry, but I can't answer that question."

"When is the last time that you've seen Shelby?"

"Today."

Hotch released an internal sigh of relief. At least the hunch was correct.

"Is she still here?"

Peter sighed. "Yes. However, the girl's exhausted and I'd like to avoid disrupting her sleep."

"Do you mind if I talk with her tomorrow?"

"If she's up to it, then no, I don't mind. She's free to answer all of your questions if she chooses to. However, I will not share what she has told me in confidence to you, nor will I pressure her to talk to you."

"I respect that."

"Good. These kids come here with no one to trust. So maintaining their trust once we finally obtain it is crucial."

"Do you mind me asking what kind of cases you deal with here?"

"We deal with all kinds of students here, Aaron. We've had bulimics, rape victims, gang members... Too many struggles to list. Most people dump these kids off in dark alleys like trash and label them as 'delinquents.' They're good kids, though. They just need a place to heal and a little guidance."

Hotch nodded. "How bad is Shelby's story?"

"I can't say. I will say that she's an incredibly strong girl, and a stubborn one to boot."

Hotch couldn't help but smile. Sounded like JJ to him.

"Any advice on how to approach her?"

"Go at her pace. She'll throw up the walls if you push her."

"Thanks."

Peter shrugged. "I wish I could do more for you, really. I can tell that your heart's in the right place. It's just a rock in a hard place here."

"I understand. You have to protect the ones you care about."

"Exactly. I do have a guest room that you can spend the night in, though."

"Are you sure? I can always sleep out in the SUV if that's less of a bother."

"No, of course not. You're welcome to sleep here for the night. Besides, with all of this going on, you probably haven't gotten a good night's sleep all week."

_Damn,_ Hotch thought. _Maybe this guy should be a profiler, too._

"I really appreciate it."

"No problem," he said with a yawn. "Apparently I'm a bit tired, too, so let me show you the way. I'll call Shelby up here in the morning if you're good with that."

"Whatever works for you," Hotch replied, following Peter to a much-needed bed. The relief that he felt when first hearing that Shelby was here was quickly replaced with a sense of foreboding as he thought of how hellish confronting her would be.


	12. Thoughts 7

**AN: So I'll save the apologies here and simply say that I am trying. I'd like to thank everyone who is still here. It means a ton to me that a few people enjoy this story enough to put up with my lack of consistency. I'll try to make it up to you somehow. This is a big chapter. It's also an introspective chapter, because they are just too fun. Also, if you aren't a fan of strong language, then be warned that there are some rather severe terms used in this chapter. Shelby has an edge and a bit of a lack of filter. I want to represent that in a way that more resembles a late 20/early 30-year-old, rather than a 16-year-old on a show geared toward kids (which, of course, meant no cursing). If anything, this chapter should mark the leap from JJ to Shelby, and Hotch's job will be to help her find herself and return to a calmer, JJ-esque state, if that makes sense. That's what I'm aiming for, at least. Keep in mind that it has been a few years now since I've watched CM or HG, so wish me luck. As always, I don't own either show and do not have a beta, so any and all mistakes are my own.**

_One thing that I didn't miss about Horizon was the early wake up calls. It wasn't a rooster calling at the crack of dawn, but a loud banging on Jess's cabin door is startling enough. I nearly fell out of bed. The alarm clock claims that it is seven, and I suppose that the soft rays peeking through the window support this. I stumble out of the guest room and find Jess in the kitchen, sipping from a coffee mug. _

"_You going to get that?" I ask._

"_I wanted to see if it would wake you up first, sleepyhead."_

_I stick my tongue out. "How long have you been awake?"_

"_Since five," she replies, standing up to answer the door. _

"_Morning," Peter says, entering the cabin. "Glad to see you are up, Shel."_

"_As if I could have slept through your racket," I grumble. "I thought someone was being shot."_

_He chuckled. "Have a seat. I need to talk to you."_

_The words "need to talk" are never followed by anything good, at least not in my experience. I sat at the kitchen table with him and Jess hesitantly, looking over to Jess for a clue. She shrugged._

"_Do you know a man named Aaron Hotchner?"_

"_What?!" He was here?! How the hell did he get here? How did he find out so fast? Damn profilers. How the hell is a girl supposed to find some peace with their incessant prying? _

"_Aaron Hotchner?" Peter repeats, already knowing the answer. I sigh._

"_Yes. He's here, isn't he? He wants to take me home and everything is going to be fine, right? As if nothing ever happened, right?"_

_He shakes his head. "Not unless that is how you want it to go down." _

"_Is he outside the cabin?" I ask._

"_He's in my truck."_

_I look over to Jess again. She gives me a nod. I can tell that she doesn't want to press, but I'm already aware of how she feels about the whole thing. I look back to Peter._

"_Alright," I moan. "Let's get this over with."_

_We all stand. Jess reaches out and hugs me._

"_I have to work in thirty, so I won't be around. But I have faith in you, sis. Good luck."_

"_Thanks, Jess." We release, and I follow Peter out the door._

"_I'm doing this my way," I say before we reach the truck._

"_Already told him that you would insist on that," Peter replies. He turns to face me. "Look, Shel. I told him that I won't pressure you to talk. I won't. It's your choice completely, and I support you. But as a friend and as someone who gives a damn, I'm encouraging you to try."_

_I smile. "Never said I wouldn't, Pete. Just said I was doing it my way."_

_He pats me on the shoulder. "Jess isn't the only one that has faith in you, you know?"_

"_Okay, Dad."_

_He chuckles. "Go."_

_Hotch had already stepped out of the truck. He looks nervous. Very nervous. It was an odd look for him. I haven't decided if it is a good thing or a bad thing yet. _

"_Hey," he says._

"_Nice place for a hike, right," I grin._

_He shuffled his feet. "Not in these shoes."  
_

"_Oh, you professional boys and your suits," I say, turning back to Peter. "Uh, Pete, you got any, um... more appropriate shoes for young Agent Hotchner to wear?"_

"_Back of the truck," he yells. Hotch nods and opens the back door. He makes quick work of putting them on._

"_They fit?"_

"_They'll work. If I can get away without blisters, it'll be a good day, right?"_

"_Haha! Oh, Hotch, after I'm done with you, there will be plenty of blisters."_

"_That a threat?"_

"_Nope. It's a guarantee. This is a long trail." _

"_I'm in shape."_

"_Oh, so you want a challenge? Hey, Peter?"_

"_Shel, I've got to go keep watch on the Cliffhangers!"_

"_Rock climbing equipment?"_

"_Backpacks in the bed of the truck. Take some water bottles, too. I don't want you passing out."_

"_I won't pass out," I jab. Hotch is rolling with the punches. He hardly seems nervous anymore, either. I decide that's a good thing._

"_Just follow me, alright?" It was more of a statement than a question._

"_Thought I was the leader?" he jokes._

"_Not today," I say, beginning the uphill trek._

_/_

_We walked about two miles in the first thirty minutes. What can I say? I set a brisk pace. _

"_Let's take a break," I suggest. Not that I felt that I needed one. However, we aren't even halfway done with the hike. Peter would be preaching pacing right now._

_Hotch nods. "First words you've said since we started."_

"_Yup." I sit on a log. He takes a seat beside me, pausing a beat._

"_Mind if I talk?"_

"_Depends. Probably yes."_

_He nods. We sit in silence for a while, taking sips from the water bottles._

"_Hungry?" I ask._

"_Not much." _

"_Bullshit," I smirk, digging around in my backpack. "There are usually some things to munch on in these packs." _

"_That does mean food, right?"_

"_Yeah, sort of," I say, tossing him a pack of crackers. "It isn't much."_

"_Thanks," he says with another nod. He's playing the waiting game. He knows it will work. Which of course makes it all the more annoying. I'm not ready yet, though. I climb back to my feet._

"_Let's go." The current trek was especially harsh. A very steep incline. Loose dirt and gravel. There were worse things to climb on. Sand, for instance. But it was far from pristine. Hotch doesn't seem to mind. Neither do I. _

_/_

_Another two miles. 45 minutes this time. We are both a little winded. It feels good. So does sitting again._

"_I miss this. There's a certain tranquility here. A safety. It's a sanctuary. You coming here throws a wrench in the work."_

"_I don't mean to invade," he starts. I shake my head._

"_In your case, it isn't invading. My mother, my stepfather... Yeah, that would have been invading. Disrupting. It's different with you, though. It's different with all of you, you know?"_

"_Why did you run, Jennifer?"_

_The name stings. A lot. But I was beginning to realize that I could take the stings. And maybe I could fight them off. I flipped stray hairs out of my face with a hand._

"_It's complicated, Hotch. It's just hard to know where to start, okay?"_

"_It's still a long hike, right?"_

_I laugh. "Yeah. I guess. We haven't even rock climbed yet, right?"_

"_Right," he smiles. And with that, the quiet hiking begins again. For another mile. And then my lips begin to loosen. It is almost unconscious. I'm reciting the same words that I told Peter and the others in this same place years ago, but I hardly even hear myself speak. I'm sure I sounded detached to Hotch, but that couldn't be farther from the truth. The feelings were still real. Saying that it felt like it happened yesterday would be cliché, but, well... Okay, fine, call me cliché._

"_My mother divorced my father while I was young," I begin, walking a little slower. "Eight, to be exact. He moved to L.A. and my mother was given custody over myself and my little sister, Jess. Jess was six at the time. Mother spent a few years alone. Then she found a man. At least, she thought he was a man..."_

_I can feel my cheeks beginning to flare and I stop talking. Hotch looks at me expectantly. I look back and recognize the concern in his features. But I can't bring myself to continue just yet._

"_Take your time," he says. I nod and continue on. A few minutes later, we stop at the rock I was searching for. A sheer straight up that was probably twenty feet tall. _

"_Up for it?" I ask._

_He nods. The rappelling equipment was already set up. All we have to do is put on our harnesses, hook ourselves up, and climb. I'm impressed with how easy he made it look. _

"_Have you climbed before?"_

"_Nope."_

"_Liar," I accuse._

"_Maybe," he admits. I smile. I also begin to open up again as we pack the climbing gear into the backpacks. _

"_I was eleven when she married Walt. My life changed eight months and sixteen days later. I was twelve by this point. Walt came into my room late at night. Sat at the edge of my bed, called me kitten. Kitten, Hotch. He'd undress me. Do things. I'd squirm, I'd try to get away. But I was a twelve-year-old girl and he was a fully-grown monster..."_

_The tears are coming back again. I take a seat on a log and let them fall. I didn't have to fight them off anymore. Hotch sits beside me, wrapping an arm around me and holding me close. His warmth is comforting. The tears slow to a trickle, I wipe them away and lean my head on his shoulder. _

"_It continued for about two years. I don't have an exact date this time. I was sure my mother knew, but she sat back and did nothing. And he had Jess hanging over my head. If I told someone, he'd turn to her. So I took it for two years. And when I couldn't take it anymore, I ran."_

_The train had left the station. Once I got started, I knew there would be no turning back. There is no turning back. The only way to proceed from here is to delve right in until all the poison is out of my system. Out in the open. It's a terrifying thought, but it has to be done. Now or never. So I press onward._

"_Fourteen-year-olds shouldn't have to fend for themselves on the street, Hotch. But here I was, fighting to survive. I fell into vices pretty quickly. Turning tricks was easy money at the time. It was that or starve. But it does damage, you know? To this day, I feel like I can't shower enough to get the grime of the men that I slept with off. To get the tar that Walt caused off. I started using drugs. Shrooms, meth, whatever the hell I could get my hands on. My mom found me on the street one day, took me home. The cycle began again. Abuse, running, returning. Rinse and repeat, right? When I turned sixteen, I ran off to L.A. I found my real father. He tried, but God, I was a fucking mess. Strung out at all times and damaged beyond repair. Mentally, emotionally, physically. Like I said, a fucking mess. Dad tried. It wasn't enough. So he made a deal. I already had a juvenile record as a prostitute and drug user. He made a deal to send me to Horizon instead of juvenile detention. Peter saved me. It took time. A lot of time. Forever, really. I wouldn't talk about anything for months. I hid behind sarcasm, hid behind walls. But Peter is by far the most persistent man I've ever met. Bull-headed, really. I met Scott here. We bonded over similar issues and fell deep for each other. I can get into that later. There's some other things, but at this point you know what I went through."_

_I feel something like a droplet on the top of my head. Looking up, I see that Hotch is crying. I smirk. _

"_Jayje," he finally says. "You could have told us."_

"_Yeah, because the FBI hires so many convicted prostitutes and drug users. There's a reason why I changed the name, you know?"_

"_You had to know that we would find out?"_

"_I was hoping you wouldn't, actually. I just wanted to start a new life. That was the beauty of a new name. JJ and Shelby are entirely different people."_

"_Are they?" he asks._

_I drag myself away from him. _

"_We have two miles left and we can get lunch. Wanna' start up again?"_

"_Lead the way, my captain."_

_And so I did. Up and down winding trails. Kicking rocks along the way. My head is to the sky now. The leaves are starting to change colors. Beautiful oranges and reds, yellows and light greens. I didn't take the time to enjoy the beauty when I attended Mt. Horizon. Too busy being a tortured kid, I suppose. Too obsessed with my own little world. But now... It's different. It isn't easier, per se. Just different. _

_/_

_We make it to home base without any other major breakthroughs. Slow and steady. Of course, nothing was slow about telling a man that you were a prostitute, drug user, and rape victim in a younger life. No reason to add more to the sob story yet. Besides, the stuff with Scott is complicated by the case. I haven't decided how I want to approach that yet. Hotch wraps an arm around my shoulder._

"_We're here, Jayje. No matter what."_

_I nod. The funny thing is, I'm starting to believe it when he says that. _

_My stomach roars. He laughs. _

"_Hungry?"_

"_You think? The dining hall is right this way. Lunch around here isn't great. It isn't terrible, though, either."_

"_Especially when you feel that you haven't eaten for three days," he retorts._

_I laugh. "Very true. Let's eat!"_

**AN: This was a difficult chapter to write. It's hard to find the emotions, how to put them down on paper (the character's in a situation that I cannot possibly relate to). Especially when I'm trying to predict how a character would react ten or fifteen years down the road. Dark characters also aren't something that I'm quite as at home with right now as I used to be, and Shelby is a dark character (not her fault, but dark nonetheless). I'm afraid that I'm showing too much maturity with the subject. I could have taken more risks. Brought out a little more anger or emotional outburst. Thoughts? I also could have not decided to write at 1 AM (meaning that I finish at 4 AM). Anyway, some of Shelby's secrets are out (for fans who haven't seen HG). Hopefully the reveal was worth the wait. If not, I apologize. I also apologize for grammatical mistakes (I just wrote this; I have not proofread it).**


	13. Thoughts 8

**AN: So it's been over a year. Perfect time to update, right? I mean, if I don't finish soon, this thing will have lasted my entire college career... How time flies... However, disclaimers will always stay the same. Enjoy!**

_The Trackers file in behind us as we grab our trays. I'm not the least bit surprised to see Kit at the tail-end of the line, a few feet separating her from the boy ahead._

_Jess approaches us with hands spread and smile beaming._

"_How did the rock get along with tall, dark and handsome here?" she asks._

"_He showed it who's boss," I respond as we all take seats. Kit is making her way from the line and, as expected, sits alone. The other kids glance her way before continuing with the usual teenage gossip. They are still kids, after all._

"_Excuse me, you two," I say. "I'll be back in a bit."_

"_Don't mind us, Shel," Jess jabs. "We'll be fine on our own, right Hotch?"_

_Hotch chuckles as I turn to stick my tongue out at my sister. She smirks and waves me off. _

_Kit seems intent on studying her mashed potatoes as I sit across from her._

"_It could be worse," I say. "Once the Cliffhangers put soy sauce on my ice cream and led me to believe it was chocolate syrup."_

"I don't want to talk," she says, face still down.

"_Good thing I didn't come here to pry, then. You asked me earlier what Peter saved me from."_

"_I don't really care."_

"_You wouldn't have asked if that were true."_

"_Fine. If it makes you feel better, tell your story."_

"_The short version is I was abused, too. By my stepfather... long after everyone should have been asleep."_

_She looks up for the first time, but remains silent. _

"_It's a poison, Kit," I whisper. "The longer you hold it in, the more it gnaws at you. It doesn't go away. But you don't have to take it on alone. They can show you how to move forward."_

"_And they helped you move forward?" she asks skeptically. I nod._

"_Then why are you back here?"_

"_Good question," I admit. "I guess sometimes you forget the lessons you learn, and you have to discover the answers again. I don't know why I ended up here, but I know I found my answers here once, and I believe I can do it again. I think you can find your answers here, too. Once you decide it's safe to start searching."_

"_What makes you so sure?"_

"_People keep telling me you remind them of how I was ten years ago. I don't see why the results can't be similar."_

_She shrugs before refocusing on her mashed potatoes._

"_Just think about it, okay?"_

"_Whatever."_

_Sweet progress, one baby step at a time. My mouth twitches into a smile as I pick up my tray and return to the gossipers chatting away. They must be learning from the kids. They pipe down as I get near, so I raise an eyebrow._

"_Just discussing your new friend over there," Hotch claims._

"_Uh-huh," I reply as I sit. "I can't help but feel by helping her, I'm also helping myself."_

_They both nod. The table falls into a short silence until Hotch stands._

"_Excuse me, ladies," he says. "Restroom?"_

"_Down that hall and to the right," Jess directs._

"_Thanks."_

_She waits until he turns the corner before speaking._

"_How'd everything go?"_

"_About as well as it could have, but time will tell."_

"_If the team cares for you half as much as that man does, everything will be fine."_

"_I knew you weren't talking about Kit!" I exclaim._

_Laughing, she shrugs. I roll my eyes._

"_I have a few other things to talk to you about tonight," I say._

_She tilts her head to the right. "Everything okay?"_

"_Yeah," I assure. "There's just so much catching up to do. I mean, just look at my little sis!"_

"_Tell me about it!"_

"_Tell you about what?" Hotch asks as he rounds the corner. We both just smile at him._

"_What? Is my fly open?" he asks, looking down. We explode into laughter._

"_Just forget it, Hotch," I wheeze. He stares at us, confused, before finally sitting down._

_Jess stands about five minutes later as lunch ends._

"_Alright, Trackers," she shouts over the cafeteria ruckus. "Pots and pans! Suds and duds! You know the drill."_

_My old favorite pastime. The moaning and groaning from the kids was entirely reasonable. Jess smirks at me and I snicker. I reach out to her for a hug._

"_I'm going out with Hotch," I say. "See you tonight?"_

"_You know where I'll be."_

"_Yup. Don't make their hands too pruney," I say, gesturing toward the unfortunate dishwashers. Jess shoos me away._

"_Come on, boss-man," I prompt as I walk outside._

"_Another hike?"_

"_Nah," I contemplate. "More like a short walk. It's just a certain spot I like."_

**AN: Believe it or not, I'm actually happy with it for once. A good sign.**


	14. Thoughts 9

**AN: For my standards, this is a loooong chapter. It's been about a week in the making (including the entirety of this early, early morning). Oddly, Hotch was easier to write than JJ. Go figure. Disclaimers remain unchanged; credit goes to the proper rights holders of Criminal Minds and Higher Ground. And before I forget, a special thanks to thn! This chapter would not have happened without your help!**

_"Tell me again why we're not using flashlights?" Hotch complains._

_"Where's your sense of adventure, Hotch?" I prod as I duck under a tree branch. "Branch."_

_"Ow... How many trees are in the way of this path?"_

_"I said 'branch.' How much more of a warning do you need?"_

_"How do you even see them?"_

_"I've been down this path a lot. You start to remember where branches are after you've been swatted in the face enough."_

_"I still don't understand why we're trekking through the woods in the pitch black."_

_I shake my head. His concerns remind me of walking the same trail with Scott years ago. He had been uncomfortable with the idea at first. Boys. They act tough, but things that go bump in the night wig them out._

_"We're almost there," I reassure. "Limb."_

_Hotch steps over it without tripping. One for six isn't bad for a rookie, I suppose. At least he hasn't fallen yet._

_We arrive at a clearing a few minutes later. In front of us is a small structure with a dock attached leading out to the lake. I lead Hotch in and lean on the railing._

_"We used to sneak out on clear nights and count the stars," I begin. "He loved them. He was a dreamer... Always looking to escape this reality and find a better one. I guess the stars sort of symbolized that for him."_

_I glance back to Hotch to be sure he knows who I'm referring to. He nods, so I continue._

_"I always preferred the water. The ripples. The reflections of the stars and the moon. It was just calming. I found peace in it, you know?"_

_"I do," Hotch answers. "You mentioned there was more..."_

_His voice trails as he ponders whether pushing me is the best idea._

_"I have a question for you first," I counter._

_"Shoot."_

_"What did you go through?" I ask._

_"Why do you think I went through something?"_

_"People don't go into our line of work without seeing the ugly side of humanity first," I explain. "Besides, I never bought the burnt-out prosecutor story."_

_"It wasn't completely untrue."_

_"Stories are rarely completely true or untrue. I just like having as much of them as possible."_

_"That the journalist in you?"_

_"In this case, not particularly. The journalist in me knows how to make you give up the details, though."_

_Hotch chuckles humorlessly, trying to mask pain that has probably been lying dormant for quite some time._

_"I suppose it's fair to ask," Hotch says, looking out beyond the lake. "I'll warn you I'm not good at talking things out."_

_"Is anyone?"_

_"Point taken," he says. He takes a breath and dives in._

_"My family wasn't particularly close. Sean and I hardly saw our father, who was always working. He died young, so Sean spent almost his entire childhood without a father. That's when it started."_

_I step off the rail and take a few paces toward him. He still looks out at the dark waters._

_"My mother was never quite stable. She was a dependent person, and what little foundation she had broke when Dad passed. She began drinking heavily and her words were wicked. She rarely abused us physically, but the things she said took a toll. One of her favorites was to blame me for Dad's death, saying that my failures weighed too harshly on his heart and stressed him out too much."_

_He pauses and leans forward onto the railing. I step forward and take his hand. It isn't much, but a warm touch can't hurt. He finally looks over to me and flashes a weak smile._

_"That's why I followed in my dad's footsteps at first. Being a lawyer would make him proud, and I owed him that. I guess the reason I switched to the BAU was to stand up for those who can't stand up for themselves, because I sure didn't defend myself back then. I was a quiet kid, so I never fought back. I just internalized and froze over. After a few years, it shifted to listening to my mother argue with Sean."_

_"So he was always the firecracker?" I ask._

_"Oh yes," Hotch chuckles. "His emotions have always been on his sleeve. He made friends easily, but he struggled to hold on to them because of his temper."_

_"And you were the calm one?"_

_"One way of putting it, though most kids thought I was robotic. That level of detachment was my only way of dealing with my mother, but it's disconcerting."_

_"No kidding," I smirk._

_He shrugs. "I had one friend before high school. He was going through hardships as well, but he was more social. He had the consistency my brother lacked, however. He also had a gift for reading people. He saw right through them, really. That's how we bonded, but I could never help him fight his own demons."_

_I feel something wet drop on my hand. I grip his a little tighter. His voice cracks as he continues._

_"John killed himself our freshman year. I found his body in a school bathroom with a note addressed to me. He slit his wrists with a razor blade, sat under the towel dispenser and bled out. No one found out about the note."_

_I want to speak, but I'm afraid my voice will quake. I eventually sputter something out._

_"I'm sorry, Hotch. I know how hard it is to lose your closest friend."_

_"It was long ago," he responds. "I struggled until I met Haley. I fell head over heels and began to heal. She even softened my shell a little, believe it or not. By then, the cold detachment was already engrained. She's really the only one who sees a warmer side. The team gets glimpses, but I've found that maintaining emotions has made me a better leader. That's about all I've had to deal with, though. Doesn't seem like much now, does it?"_

_"It's more than what a kid should have to deal with," I respond firmly._

_He nods. "I worry I raise Jack the same way my father raised me."_

_"Don't," I insist. "I've gone through enough bad fathers to recognize a good dad when I see one. You're one of the good ones, Hotch."_

_There's a short pause that seems to last a lifetime before he releases my hand with a soft pat, straightens up and looks over to me with a slim smile._

_"I guess I should hold up my end of the bargain," I say. "I mean, you did earn it."_

_"Only if you want, Jay."_

_"I don't have a choice," I explain. "I told Kit it is poison, and it's high time I suck my poison out."_

_He takes my hand again as I take a deep breath._

_"I've been afraid my whole life, Hotch," I start. "I guess that's what happens when you get trampled on enough. Call it low self-esteem or lack of confidence, but I was always scared something bad was looming right behind me. I was afraid of my own shadow."_

_I focus my eyes on the ripples and allow my nostrils to catch the scent of the pines. The soothing effect takes hold and I carry on._

_"Heights petrified me, yet I ended up in a mountain range where tree-climbing is considered a hobby. God has a hell of a sense of humor, doesn't he?"_

_Hotch nods. "So rock climbing was out of the question?"_

_"Definitely. I mean, what if I broke a nail?"_

_I flash a horrified expression his way and we laugh._

_"I'd been here for two months before I was forced up. Before, I would just walk away from group ropes course activities. Life-or-death situations have this strange way of encouraging you."_

_I sweep a strand of hair out of my face and feel the breeze run by, whistling to us as I continue to examine the dark waters._

_"This young girl, Gracie, had gone missing from an overnight camping trip with her mother, who runs that Rusty O'Brien's restaurant down the road. Anyway, Peter tasked us kids with hunting her down. Guess which one of us was lucky enough to find the munchkin."_

_"Her name wouldn't start with an 'S' by any chance?"_

_"Of course. And to make matters even better, Gracie was hanging on to the side of a cliff for dear life. I called for help, but no one was around. My only choice was to climb. I guess that was the first time I had to conquer fear in my life. Certainly was the first time here, and it was the first time I did something without Peter cheering me on. It kind of started my progression, thought it was a steep climb."_

_"Was this before or after Scott?" Hotch asks._

_"Straight to the heart, eh?" I reply. "Scott had just arrived maybe a week before. He had already tried to run once, but as you may have noticed, there is nowhere to go. Like I said earlier, though, he was always looking to escape to something better. Things started really rocky between us. I mean, I was attracted to him from the moment I set eyes on him. Hormones. You go from having sex just about every night to being pent up here in the land of cold turkey. It's bound to have some effect. He wasn't interested in me at first. Something about not driving used cars. I had to gain his respect. I did so by being human. Ironic, considering I wasn't known for human qualities at the time. He eventually confided in me and I supported him, and that's where our infinitely complicated relationship began. Never thought it would all end like this, though."_

_I turn from the water and lean on the rail, readjusting my hand lock with Hotch._

_"But you had your suspicions?" he pushes. "I saw the way you eyed the photos back at the station."_

_"Of course you did," I retort. "Scott's stepmom looked similar to the victims and he was an only child. She sexually abused him. We bonded over our struggles, though it took him a while to comprehend the prostitution. I knew he had been playing for the Seahawks because I followed him name in the boxscores. I've been working with our team for too long not to suspect him, Hotch, but I honestly believed there was no way he would do this. Kill Elaine? Maybe, but not other women. I didn't want to believe."_

_I hardly notice my body shaking until Hotch releases my hand and drapes his arm around my shoulder. I nestle closer._

_"I'm sorry," I whisper. "I should have told you."_

_"No," he responds. "Going off a hunch and circumstantial evidence would have been a mistake. You did the right thing."_

_I relish his embrace for a few more moments before stepping away._

_"I do have one last thing," I say, swallowing hard. "One last secret."_

_He tries to take my hand again, but I shake my head, mustering strength or at the very least bracing myself._

_"Walt made me promise," I choke. Deciding hand-holding isn't such a bad gesture, I reach out to Hotch._

_"He made me promise never to tell. He held Jess over my head for years. So I took it. Even when I started to run, I never told a soul. All Horizon knew was that I ran away from home often. All the court system knew was that I abused drugs and sold my body. Call it teenage naivety, but I trusted the bastard."_

_The shakes return, along with a batch of tears. I tighten my grip on Hotch's hand, looking up to his face. His expression tells me he's already put the pieces together._

_"I wasn't the only Merrick who needed saving here." I croak. "I led her right into his slimy hands, Hotch. I gave him my baby sister on a silver platter, and I will never forgive myself for that."_

_He wraps me tight into a hug and I sob on his shoulder._

_"It's not your fault," he comforts. "It's not your fault."_

_But the words ring hollow._

**AN: Cat is officially out of the bag (at least for one team member). This wasn't an easy chapter to write, so feel free to share your thoughts. Thanks to those who did so for the last chapter!**


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